im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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