I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
