omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
