Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
