i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
