im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im holly from the hills drunk
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
