why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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