Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
