He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
