I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
