hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
