my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
