you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
