I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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