I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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