I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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