I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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