She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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