Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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