i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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