Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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