i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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