found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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