Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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