omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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