he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
