How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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