if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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