Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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