yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
