Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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