There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
