i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I could fuck to npr.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
