everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
