Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My vagina is officially offended.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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