I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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