I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
