Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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