Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
