i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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