You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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