You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
