So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
