Come see our sink grown plant.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
