just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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