Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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