if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
