White coat. Heels.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
