I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
