Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
